I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.