I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
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Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
They got a point!
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath