Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Merica.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
What a website
Best misinterpreted text ever!
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery