*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
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Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
#Caturday
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.