I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
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turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My god she’s good.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’