My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
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Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir