We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
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Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode