I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
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I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.