My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.