“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.