Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
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The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Me irl
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
me hooking up with my ex
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.