Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Seas the day!!!!
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.