accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor