By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
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I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.