Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
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Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.