Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.