Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
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Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands