Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
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I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.