Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.