Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
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I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.