[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
A new level of troll.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please