Do men still open car doors?
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[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.