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emergency phone
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.