KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
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if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.