Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin