Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
You Might Also Like
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Don’t talk down to me
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.