Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.