i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
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Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The Weeknd is back
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.