Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors