SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
You Might Also Like
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.