MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
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When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
much to think about
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.