The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
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Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
very niche meme I made
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?