who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
You Might Also Like
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.