Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”