This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter