If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
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“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had