*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
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venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”