GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.