My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
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I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*