Happy Star Wars day!
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
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