Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
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In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper