If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
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I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.