They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
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POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Florida man
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.