me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
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Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I created you as mosquito food.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.