“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Bringing home a sharpie
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I love art.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.