One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
From Facebook just now…
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
#JohnTravolta
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Awwwww shit.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
#oldknees
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive