nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
You Might Also Like
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
And that about sums it up.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”