“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
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Time heals everything 🙂
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.