Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
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If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
“A little help here, Danny?”
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*