me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
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Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them